Shit day Monday...

This is getting really weird. I settle for an indoor weekend on Friday. I was broke and figured I’ll get novella and read my way through Sato and Sunday. But oh no. I get called up by this bunch of dudes in my hood on Sato afternoon. They say they have a house party. Now, with these guys a party usually involves lots and lots of weed. So come the afternoon after laundry and Rick Dees I head there. Remember the evil chick from the bus stop? She’s there, helping set up the place. We were to go watch something this weekend. So I figured the party will do if nothing. Besides, I was broke. Party goes ahead. The kryptonite comes out and 85% of the party proceeds to get concreted. I was blazed bloody senseless. I do not know exactly what I said to her but it seemed to work well enough. Its kitu 4.30pm then and I know the digz is empty. So I loosely suggest a ka-rendezvous. She’s like cool. Heehee, I laugh stupidly. We go digz, show back up at the party which was now in overdrive and reeking like a 420 bash in Canada. Then there’s a plan for the rave. I am BROKE. But I go anyway. End up in the digz on Sunday morning with a makaratasid chick at 4.00am Sunday. Old lady goes church early; I have the morning to myself. By 2.00pm I was done. Chick leaves, I pass out.

Haven’t read a single book.

Rear View...

Went to the city today at lunchtime. I was waiting for this pal who had gone banking and took a little long so I decided to take a little stroll in the streets of this here our Nairobi. A thought struck my meandering mind: how can any dude be gay in this city? Why this question springs to mind is because of the ladies I saw whilst on my perambulations. I’m like DAMN! All sizes! Those two bagas that chomoad that track ‘Manyake’ were right on point (fine, the song was about something else but let’s not digress).
A 15 minute stroll in this green shitty in the sun was enough to make the testosterone flow like a muthafuka. The hips, the asses vacuum packed into jeans (how do they do that shit?) and hipsters. Shit, a man could lose his mind. I think today I’ll go somewhere, get smashed and then take another stroll in the dark. Somebody should write a song about this shit. A nice title for the track would be ‘Ass you walk’.

EVIL! Evil I tell ya...

Life is some funny shit. This morning at the hood bus stop I work up the courage to say hi to this hood mama I see on the daily. She says hi back. I introduce my punk ass self. She gives me her name. In the back of my rutted, pitted mind I feel the lady is familiar but I cannot for the life of me place her. So I make nonsense small talk as we wait for the non-existent no. 6 mats to show up.
Then it hits me, like a bucket full of warm runny choleric shit. I know this chick from primary school. She was the classroom snitch. She sold me out more times than Microsoft stock. This took place in like 1995 so you’d think I’d be over it by now. NO! All the memories came flooding back as she stood there, smiling at me in the morning chill. Any ideas that I had of asking her out soon evaporated like dew in the Sahara.

BITCH!

The canings, the aching palms from 1995 came back. I felt my anger seethe. I started getting this tic at the corner of my left eye. My right hand balled slowly into a fist. She’s prattling on about how boring her workplace is, I’m remembering having a Walkman confiscated. She asks about my job, I remember her jotting down my name on the noisemakers list. My tightly clenched right fist starts to rise, my tic gets worse and the eye starts to water.
Then she asks me what I’m doing this weekend.
I am having visions of slugging her, right there. Her hair flailing out, her body hitting the muddy ground, the sense of deep satisfaction from a well placed punch and here she is asking me out. Aaaargh!
So I say I’m free. We’re gonna go watch Wild Hogs.

Cinemas are dark, right? Hmmm...

Falling out of favour...

I had this really fucking weird dream last night. I was in this huge glass tumbler that was filling up with water and I couldn’t climb out no matter what I tried. The water rose to the level of my chin then stopped. A voice shouted at me asking me to say my name and the voice would check with God (yeah, that guy) and then maybe he could save me. I gave my name and then waited as whoever the voice was went off to check me out on The Database. Now the shitty part; according to God (yeah, that guy), Stephen Mwangi does not exist.

I was like WHAT?!

I know that I’m a creepy little shit but I mean, how low am I that God (yeah, that guy) does not have me on His List? That’s cold man. So I stayed in the big glass and the water started to rise again. Lucky for me I woke up before I drowned.
If anything, this experience has taught me one thing: Fuck God (yeah, that guy). I said it. Fuck him in the highest. What shit is this? He’s supposed to be this all loving, all benevolent motherfucker but…this? Screw him and his right hand man. Okay scratch Jesus; he’s cool, turned water into Keroche. Anybody who can do that is good in my book.


Or maybe He was getting back at me for visiting that brothel on Sunday.

Shit day Monday

This has proved to be the dingbattest weekend ever. There was the drama of the gay dude in the hood being caught out shagging another dude by his mama. Funny story that one. Then there was the neighbour girl being propositioned for sex by some middle aged jungu (Odiero offered $3000, really). All in all it wasn’t too bad. Found this nice place in town to get my rocks off. Weird experience though. Got blasted on Sunday and did some really weird shit I’m still trying to block out. And no, it did not involve a digicam and selected livestock. That’s about all that happened. Oh, and I saw a Hummer. Thing looks really weird up close. Give me a Fortuna any day.

Fetishy

The world is tres fucked up. With the end in sight it’s only natural that I winge about all that’s wrong with this rock we live on. Jana I have this presentation for some chutes who manufacture feminine sanitary products. The guys were absolutely wowed by the shit. It’s like they expected us to bring them a proposal on a piece of foolscap paper. The company is run by these two brothers, chiselled looking fuckers I dare say.
It was during this meeting that I noticed my boss’s feet (She is a woman).
Dude, the toes! Nicely shaped pedicured things with the nails covered in this glossy wine red polish. I am having some seriously twisted notions about sucking that polish right off. I could munch on them things for ever. She had on these open toed pumps that showed off them twinkies like you would not believe.
(Get this thought out your head boy)
I can’t! Me want the toes. I like shapely feet. Yes it’s a fetish. I think I’ll ask her one day if I can suck on one. Just one. Then I’d be happy.

They're out to get I...

Our dark suicidal blog has been stolen from cyberspace. Really, I looked for the shit but nothing. Gone. It seems that there is a ploy somewhere. Some great big cosmic conspiracy. Blogger.com is in on it. Somebody somewhere does not want me to rant and rave. It must be them glowing keepers of the Cosmos. They must be up there laughing their heads off up there. Punk bitches.
I will find a way to get them back. I will keep establishing these dark creepy blogs until they give up trying to shut I down. I will project the vileness that resides for the world to see. You knock ‘em down, I’ll set them up. You think you rule everything and everyone you lay your haloed glowing orbs on? Not me. I got your number bitch. And I’m coming for ya!
Or not. Please don’t throw a lightning bolt at me. I’m not that fast, yet.

And what the hell happened to Limp Bizkit?!

A whole lot of Bullshit

All generalizations are false, including this one.
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.
Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. - Irene Peter
Always remember no matter where you go, there you are.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, & complain. And most do.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. - Pardo
Anything that is designed to do more than one thing can't do any of them well.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. - Mae West
Bigamy : one husband too many. Monogamy : same thing.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18. - Albert Einstein
Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
Constant change is here to stay.
Dain bramaged.
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
Do witches run spell checkers?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
___ Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Efficiency takes time! Frugality: who can afford it?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Every time I've built character, I've regretted it.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. - Olivier
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Floggings will continue until morale improves.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Forgive your enemies...but REMEMBER THEIR NAMES!
Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friendship is one soul in two bodies.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Gravity doesn't exist. The Earth sucks.
Grow your own dope... plant a man.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
Gun control is being able to hit your target!
He who hesitates is probably right.

Easter: Weirdest Holiday of 'em all

The bullshit is piling up. We are starting to display symptoms of massive internal trauma brought on by too much isolation. We need to find out how much them goodies cost if it’s the last thing we do.
Went to watch this movie called ‘300’. The thing was complete and utter shite. Visually appealing but that’s it. The blue screen approach is novel but…that’s it! And the Spartans, what the fuck are they? Immortal? Bunch of six pack carrying ponces. OK, now I'm hating.
Weird weekend though. Got so fucking fluffed the thing passed in a daze and a haze of kryptonite smoke. Now we sit tight coz shit is.
Anutha time, all y’all weirdos.

It's closing in...

I am not the responsible one. The other on is. I am not him. I am the other one. And the locusts from the planet that exists in the deviated nonsense that thrives in my cranial cavity have taken wing. They have destroyed the badly sown field and flown on to the next place. They were not sated. They left in a huff saying the badly sown field was not good enough for them. Fucking locusts have some nerve. In the debris they left was a note reading:

I will kill you

No signature or anything. I am worried about this. The soil is dead and the bushes around the field have withered. The end is nigh. I’ve got to get off this rock.

I hate Mathematics

ALGEBRA
The sanctions of the mind,
Bent over reaching behind,
Rolling like a dead fish in the sea,
The coconut responds in kind.

The mind is caught up in a bind,
Peel away the carapace like a rind,
Like a pot of boiling tea,
The coconut responds in kind.

The mind cannot seem to find,
What it searches for to grind,
The lock there needs a key,
The coconut responds in kind.

So the mind closes like an eye blind,
The clock spring is on rapid unwind,
It shuts down and goes on bended knee,
The coconut responds in kind.

Cleaning the Scorched Heel

I am the most detestable person on the planet that exists in the deviated nonsense that thrives in my cranial cavity. They look and judge and I try to conform to the influence they lavish upon the badly sowed fields where no thing worth putting on a plate will ever grow. The wind and the seasons are wrong. The rains never come. And when they do it floods and everything gets fucking washed away.

What the fuck am I on about? I do not know. That’s some shite philosophy that popped into my head after smoking the bush Moses thought he saw burning. Those old Jews smoked so much they started seeing shit. Commandments on stones, seas parting, you know, shit. They were so stoned when in Egyptian custody that they fucked up the Sphinx; the original plans show that it was supposed to be a horse. When they bailed from the land of the Pharaohs they were protected in the desert by a cloud of smoke during the day and a pillar of fire at night. I ask, where was the smoke and fire coming from? WEED! Anyway, good guys the old Jews, they wrote the Old Testament. A great adventure story for young boys.

Solemnly, the pall of dust hanging over the edge of the badly sown field drops to the ground in the dying light of the sun. The day in the planet that exists in the deviated nonsense that thrives in my cranial cavity comes to an end. The farm is covered in mist and increasing darkness. The stunted stalks of whatever and shit stick up from the furrows towards the bleeding sky like relics of some great past or some future unfulfilled.
Then the locusts come…